


You Can Go Home Again

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: My Boss's Niece [8]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 08:00:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6846157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh Lyman was going to be a father again.  He should be out with his closest friends having celebratory drinks and rambling on about his virility.  Not here in a strange New England condo trying to negotiate the crumbling bits of his relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can Go Home Again

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place right after, but is not a sequel to Leo, Interrupted.

Josh knocked on the door and heard the gleeful sounds of his son, followed by the patter of tiny feet. Noah was barefoot; Josh did not have to see him to know that.

“Daddy! Daddy!” he hollered through the door.

“Calm down sweetie.”

Hogan opened the door and the sight of her almost knocked Josh over. She was definitely pregnant...why was this the first time he noticed. He also noticed how exhausted she looked; it felt like two years instead of two weeks since he put his arms around her.

“Daddy!” Noah squealed, holding out his arms.

“Hey buddy! C’mere, let daddy get a good look at you.”

Josh took his son and walked into the well-furnished condo.

“Hey Lyman.” Hogan said.

“Hi.” He looked at Noah again. “Did you miss daddy? Cuz daddy missed you so much he was sick.”

“Daddy! Love you!”

Josh covered him with kisses until the toddler giggled hysterically. Hogan smiled but she looked so sad.

“It’s his bedtime.” She said.

“Let me do it please.”

“Yeah. It’s the room by the powder room.” She said, pointing down the hall. She took the duffle bag from his shoulders.

“Say night night to mommy.”

“Night night mommy. Plane me daddy!”

Hogan kissed him and him and Josh rushed down the hall like jumbo jets. Walking into the living room, Hogan never wanted a cigarette so badly. She might have given in if Josh weren’t there. Taking a deep breath and fighting the urges, she turned on XM radio. Flipping stations while pacing, Hogan skipped Toni Braxton, Don Henley, Led Zeppelin, and Steve Winwood. She settled on Lisa Loeb.

I didn’t come this far for you to make this hard for me And now you want to ask me how Its like, how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe? How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?

Why did you come here? You weren’t invited You were on the outside—stay on the outside And now you want to ask me why Its like, how does your heart beat, and why do you cry? How does your heart beat?

“Is he adjusting OK?”

Josh’s voice caused her to jump. She turned to him.

“He’s doing OK. There is a park down the street and I take him there everyday. He misses you.”

“Of course he does Hogan; I miss him too. How the hell could you just run like that...with my son? What were you thinking?”

“I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt caged and stifled. I didn’t know what else to do and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t talk to you about it.”

“What do you mean? Why didn’t you wave your hands or stomp your feet? You certainly have about things that are less significant. If you wanted my attention, you could have run to the King George. How did you get an apartment so fast? How long were you planning this Hogan?”

“It was not like that.” Hogan replied. “Lisa went to France for six months to work. She offered me the space. Maybe if...”

Josh held up his hand. He did not want to hear it. He was angry as hell and now that he had seen his son was safe with his own eyes, Josh fought with all his strength not to tear into her with a sound and fury he had not felt since the aftermath of Rosslyn. Maybe he really should lean against a wall.

“Hogan, if you do not want to be with me anymore, I am no position to force you. Noah is my son, and I will not live hundreds of miles away from him on some schedule. I'm assuming the child you are carrying is mine also.”

“Oh my God, how could you say that to me?”

“You know what, sparing your feelings is the last thing on my mind right now. You have not thought of mine for a single moment since you started this charade. This is the stupidest thing you have ever done.”

“Don’t talk to me like that Josh, you are not my father.”

“Maybe if Doug would have taken his head out his ass for five minutes we would not even be having this conversation.” Josh countered.

Hogan shoved him hard.

“You son of a bitch! I...ow, oh God.”

She clutched her stomach and Josh’s eyes softened. He rushed to her side.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I felt a pain in my stomach.”

“Sit down. C’mon Hogan.”

They sat on the couch but Hogan moved far away from him. Josh sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

“I shouldn’t have said what I said.” He said.

“Whatever. You could be right. Josh, I love you. I need you to know that and understand that. But I could not take DC and that life another minute. I grew up in that world and I don’t want my children to go through what I did. I want a quiet life away from politics. I was afraid if I told you to choose, you would pick the White House. You always pick the White House.”

“So you want to live here while I live in DC? When would I ever see you and the kids? Are you and I still a part of the equation?”

Oh God, kids. Josh Lyman was going to be a father again. He should be out with his closest friends, having a celebratory drink and rambling on about his virility. Not in some strange New England condo trying to negotiate the crumbling bits of his relationship.

“You can come in on weekends.” Hogan said.

“Or you could come home.”

“Josh, how many times do I have to say I don’t want to go back there?”

He put his hands on top of hers, tried to calm her. She did not move; a good sign.

“Hear me out Hogan; it is less than nine months. You can come back to DC with the kids and when it is over, its over. We can move to Providence, or anywhere else you want. I have to finish what I started and I know you understand that.”

Hogan was silent. She rubbed her stomach and seemed to be in her own world. She looked so lost and distracted; so young. Josh waited patiently and that was a chore. He had seen this a few times before.

“Anywhere?” she finally asked.

“Anywhere you want sweetie.”

“So, if I want a farm in Bozeman, Montana you are going to pack up everything and leave?”

“Asterisk...the Eastern United States. I thought you would want to be close to your family. I cannot do Bozeman, Montana.”

“I doubt I could either.” She admitted. “OK Josh, nine months.”

She looked at her feet.

“Are you really alright? We can go to the emergency room if you want to...Noah would sleep the whole way.”

“I'm OK. This baby is restless; my morning sickness is bad and I am so rundown. The past two weeks hardly feel like real life. Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you ever sorry you fell in love with me?” Hogan asked.

“Not for a single moment. I'm sorry you have difficulty expressing all your feelings and dealing with emotions from the past. Have you ever considered talking to someone sweetie? I know a handful of great psychiatrists in the DC area.”

Hogan had thought about it. Two weeks in Providence alone and she’d spent most of it thinking. She had Noah and the new baby coming...her neuroses had to be controlled. Sure, she could blame some of it on Josh and his work, but she knew how much he loved her. She also knew he would take responsibility for it; be her punching bag. She never wanted to treat him that way, or make him feel like he was the fault behind things that really had nothing to do with him. He always wanted to help...he would be the most wonderful husband and father. Hogan refused, in her head at least, to marry him until she had her brain unscrambled.

“I never made a real decision in my life, did you know that?” she asked. “After my mother ran I thought I became an adult. I was really just a scared little girl with two scared sisters and free reign because my father shut down. He gave us everything and I know he loves us, but he felt so guilty about what happened with mom and his inadequacies. I thought I had it all together Josh...not even close. I want to talk to someone.”

“Please don’t do it for me Hogan. You have to do it for yourself.”

Hogan nodded with a small smile. Leo told her the same thing.

“I'm doing it for myself. But I also have to think about Noah and Natalie. They need me and I cannot do what my mother did.”

“Natalie? Are you sure it’s a girl?”

Josh’s hand found her abdomen. Hogan put her hand on top of his.

“I don’t know; I should be able to find out in a couple of weeks. I think I am just four months but to be perfectly honest I have done a lousy job of taking care of myself.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Josh asked. “I could have helped and you have to take care of yourself. I was so afraid that you ran to get an abortion.”

“That never crossed my mind Josh. I would never do that to you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I want to say I was waiting, but for what I have no idea. I'm sorry.”

“I like Natalie.” He replied.

“Natalie Joan.” Hogan said.

Josh smiled. He put his arms around her and she rested her head on his shoulder. The tears came then; she had no control over them. Josh just held her as she trembled against him. He caressed her hair, telling her that everything would be alright. He believed that...they loved each other enough to work it all out. He tilted her chin up to kiss her trembling lips.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too and I am never going to hurt you like that again. I promise Josh.”

“Shh. You don’t need to make me promises; I know you. You just need a little help and the people who love you are going to make sure you get it. C’mon, let’s go to bed...you need to rest. Is that pain gone? Don’t lie to me.”

Hogan nodded. Everything felt better now that Josh was there. No longer was she freefalling without a parachute; she was safe with him. Josh helped her into the bedroom, undressed her, and him, and climbed into bed. Hogan clung to him and he felt the beginnings of their daughter pressing on his side.

“I am going to stay an extra couple of days so we can pack and take you and Noah back home with me.” He said.

“Aren't there pressing things at the White House?” Hogan asked. There was no sarcasm in her voice. She knew Josh was a busy man.

“I don’t care. My family comes first and the President knows that...his family comes first too. I think we have to get you home, settled, and to the doctor. You haven’t seen the doctor enough.”

“Josh...”

“Don’t bother trying to lie to me Hogan. You know you suck at it. Sleep now and we will talk in the morning.”

He ran his hands through her hair and said a prayer before falling asleep. He hoped the worse was now over and they could move on from here.

***

“What are you doing?” Josh asked.

He opened his eyes and looked at Hogan.

“Staring at you. Don’t move.”

“How can I not move?”

Hogan put her hand on his chest.

“Just like this. I want to look at you.”

“Missed me, didn’t you?” Josh asked in his smug tone.

“I did, mostly.” She grinned. “Josh, I am so sorry that I hurt you. I just...Jesus, there is so much to say.”

Josh sat up on his elbow, pushing blonde wisps from her forehead.

“Take a deep breath and say it. I am not going anywhere.”

Tears filled Hogan’s eyes but did not spill over.

“How much have I hurt you over these past years?” she asked. “You just keep plugging along Josh, fighting for me and for us. Can you tell me why?”

“Because you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. You're the mother of my children and I want you to be happy. Do you know that my heart does somersaults every time you smile?”

“Yeah?” she caressed his face. “What does it do when I act like an idiot?”

“It aches Hogan, sometimes its breaks. As long as you love me too this is worth fighting for.”

“When I was a little girl and dreamed of being married, this was never it. When I really fell in love with you, knew for sure that I could never turn away, I was in Oxford. Being so far away, all I wanted to do was get back to you. Distance, huh?”

“Maybe you were trying to recreate that with this Providence thing.” Josh replied.

Hogan laughed a bit. Josh leaned and kissed her. She sighed, pulling him closer to her. It had been so long since they were intimate. Josh was busy at work and had been traveling with the President. She was working at the Smithsonian and taking care of Noah.

“I don’t want to make love if you're not well sweetie.” Josh whispered. “If something is the matter I don’t want to exacerbate it.”

“Joshua, making love has never hurt a baby. Remember how much we did it when I was pregnant with Noah?”

Josh smiled, remembering some of the crazy positions they came up with at the beginning of Hogan’s third trimester. He still had the pocket-sized copy of The Joy of Sex in the nightstand at home. He stroked her cheek.

“Still, that pain scared me last night. You look so pale and exhausted sweetie. Know that I want to, I always want to, but I am going to hold you instead.”

Hogan cuddled in his embrace, relaxing in his arms. He rubbed her back and appreciated her content sigh. They had some time to be alone. Noah was like his father; he took any opportunity to sleep in. At least Josh Lyman used to do that...before he became the Energizer bunny. Hogan slid her hand beyond the elastic of his boxers and touched his erection.

“Oh, that feels nice. I have missed that touch.”

“So have I honey. Touch me too Josh; please. I won't break.”

She threw her leg over his to allow better entry and they touched each other. Josh shut his eyes tight as his hips came off the mattress. No woman ever touched him like Hogan did; made him feel the way she did. She was as good in bed as her aunt had boasted in the Oval Office so many years ago. Josh had no experience with CJ, but if the constant smile behind Leo’s eyes was indication, the former Vice-President was one lucky bastard.

“Uhh, don’t stop! Oh God!”

Hogan bit her lip as her body tightened around Josh’s fingers. She pumped him harder as they found the same rhythm. The noises she made in rapture turned him on no end. Josh groaned as he spilled all over Hogan’s hand and himself.

“Everything is great until the end.” He muttered.

Hogan smiled and kissed him.

“We can get you cleaned up in the shower.” She said.

Now Josh was smiling as they went into the bathroom with their arms around each other.

***

“Good try Noah.”

Josh and Noah played catch in the park while Hogan sat close by watching. The little boy had not caught the ball yet, but his father did not stop encouraging him.

“He is better with the soccer ball Lyman.” She said. “Its here in the stroller.”

“OK. Hey Noah, go get the soccer ball from mommy.”

Noah rushed across the grass. Hogan bent over the stroller and her head started to swim. Everything moved in slow motion before snapping to black like a television turning off.

“Josh? What’s happening Josh?”

Hogan tried to open her eyes but her lids were too heavy. She thought she might be in a car; felt as if she was moving but her feet were still. The car came to an abrupt stop. She heard muddled voices, Josh’s boomed over the others. Whoa, now someone was moving her quickly. Her feet did not touch the ground and she had no idea where she was or where she was going. A voice she did not recognized called for her, shining a light in her face.

“Hogan, open your eyes if you can. My name is Dr. Levin and I need you to open your eyes if you can.”

Hogan opened her eyes and looked around. It was easy to recognize the sterile hospital environment.

“Where is Josh? Oh God, Noah!”

“We’re here.” Josh jumped into her field of vision before she could leap from the bed.

Noah looked as if he had been crying; there were tear streaks on his face. He looked OK now, clinging to his father’s Harvard tee shirt with white-knuckled fists. Good lord, she scared her little boy to death.

“Can you tell me what happened Hogan?” the doctor asked.

“I went for the soccer ball and got very dizzy. Everything was moving in slow motion.”

“She fainted and I couldn’t wake her up.” Josh said. “I brought her straight here and that was no easy feat because I have only been to Providence twice in my life.”

The doctor nodded. He told them he needed to ask a million questions. He did this as he took Hogan’s blood pressure and pulse.

“How old are you?”

“Um, I’ll be 28 in September.”

“How far along is your pregnancy?”

“I think I'm about four and half months.”

“Have you had any prenatal care Hogan?”

She hadn’t really and she hated to say it in front of Josh. There had been the initial OBGYN visit after the home test and one follow-up. Hogan canceled her second and never had a chance to reschedule. She ran instead.

“Have you smoked or drank at all during your pregnancy?” Dr. Levin asked.

“No.” she shook her head.

“Hogan.” Josh said. “Please be honest...he won't be able to help you if you're not.”

She sighed.

“I smoked maybe a half-pack, or like 14 in the past two weeks. Never more than 2 in 24 hours and I haven’t touched alcohol.”

“What are you drinking?”

“Um, seltzer water, bottled water, and diet soda. Tea at night to relax; and lots of Ginger ale for the morning sickness.”

“Well, your blood pressure is 137 over 98 and I think that is too high for a pregnant woman. Your pulse is 100. We took some blood and I am trying to get a rush on the results.”

“What about the baby? Is she OK...tell me the truth?”

“We are about to find out. This is a fetal monitor Hogan; I'm sure you’ve dealt with these in the past. We need to do a sonogram.”

“I'm scared.”

She reached for Josh. He was shaking himself, not sure how he could discover and possibly lose his child in the span of 24 hours. A nurse came and took Noah from the room. Josh did not want to let him go but Dr. Levin did not want the toddler in the room if something was wrong. He finally relented and handed over this son. Hogan was prepped and then he turned on the monitor.

“There she is.”

Hogan looked at the monitor; looked at her daughter.

“Do you hear that heartbeat...it is strong? Still, she is definitely underweight.”

“What?” Josh looked at the doctor.

“From fetal development Hogan, you look to be a third or so through your fifth month. See, we already know the sex. Soon her spine should be fused completely. Do you see her?”

“I see her.” Hogan choked, grasping Josh’s hand.

“She is beautiful.” Josh whispered.

“She certainly is. We can print out a picture for you to take home. Do you have any names picked out?”

“Natalie Joan.” Josh replied. “How do we put some weight on her?”

“Hogan needs to gain at least five pounds in the next two weeks. It would better if it were eight. Limit red meat intake in case the BP spike was not due to the fainting. You need to drink three 8-ounce glasses of milk a day, and 6-8 glasses of water. Now, we need to talk about stress. You look exhausted and I see this weight loss as an indication that there may some other factors involved.”

“Yeah.” Hogan said.

“Have you been working too hard?” he asked.

“I quit my job.”

“OK. I am going to suggest some pregnancy yoga classes and mediation. I do for a lot of my pregnant patients. If that doesn’t work, you may want to talk to a therapist. Sometimes with physiological changes come psychiatric changes. Particularly when we’re talking about hormones.”

“Josh and I have already discussed that. As soon as I go back to DC I'm going to find a psychiatrist.”

“When is that?” Dr. Levin asked.

“Tuesday, maybe Wednesday morning.” Josh replied.

“OK. I can fax all the test results and all the advice to your OBGYN in Washington. Now, I have more directions.”

Hogan smiled.

“I'm listening, believe me.” She said.

“More leafy green vegetables, at least four servings a day. I try to explain to my patients that pregnant is no excuse to let your body go physically. You should also eat more carrots. Chicken and fish are good, and certain nuts.” He handed her a wet and towel to clean herself up. “I’ll go and get a list and some more paperwork. Excuse me for a moment.”

Dr. Levin walked out of the room and Hogan tried to look everywhere but at Josh. He took the towels from her, cleaning her up himself.

“It’s going to be different from now on.” He said.

“I know. Josh, I would never, ever do anything to hurt Natalie. Whatever the doctor needs me to do I am going to do.”

He nodded. He put her face in his hands.

“I can count on one hand the number of times in my adult life that I have been as afraid as I was when you blacked out in the park. Hogan, I love you and I am going to help you take care of yourself.”

The doctor walked in as they kissed. He smiled.

“Hey Dr. Levin, is a large chocolate milkshake a part of that 24 ounces of milk daily?” she asked.

“If you promise not to make a habit of it I think you can have one. I also recommend getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night Hogan.”

He handed her a clipboard with paperwork to fill out and the nutritional and vitamin information he’d promised.

“What about sex Dr. Levin?” Josh asked. “Hey, he told us everything else.” He added when Hogan looked at him with wide blue eyes.

Dr. Levin laughed.

“I would definitely wait two weeks to see how the weight gain goes. Also until Hogan’s next visit to the OBGYN, just to be sure. As long as there are no more dizzy spells or pain I don’t see why a normal sex routine cannot resume.”

“Thank you.”

The doctor nodded. Hogan took the nutritional information and gave Josh the paperwork to fill out. God, would medical forms ever not be like the GREs. Jesus, $377.95 for an emergency visit and a battery of blood tests. Once they got married she would be on his insurance, but not now. When things started to settle down a bit he would probably talk to her about that. After all the forms were filled out, Josh got the burnt sienna copy and the doctor said they were free to go.

“Where’s Noah?” Josh asked.

“Out at the nurse’s station. He’s an adorable little boy.”

“He looks just like his father.” Hogan replied as Josh helped her from the bed. “Thank you so much for your help doctor.”

“You're welcome. Take care of yourself Hogan.”

“I really will. I promise.”

***

She put Noah to bed that night with _Goodnight, Moon_ and _Green Eggs and Ham_. Josh’s mother bought the entire Dr. Seuss collection for her grandson. Anne Lyman believed the sun rose and set on Noah, just as it had for Josh. Hogan was inclined to agree. She loved Josh’s mom too, even if nearly every conversation they had was sprinkled with the marriage question. If Hogan had a nickel for every time she said ‘I just want to be around to see my only son get married. My only child; God rest Joan’s soul.’ she would be a wealthy woman. She couldn’t wait to tell her what they were naming the new baby.

Josh watched her as she came into the bedroom. She looked so beautiful dressed in his Harvard tee shirt from earlier and a pair of grubby Old Navy shirts. He was so glad they were back together; glad she finally decided to seek help. What he was truly grateful for was that Natalie was alright. A million and one nightmare scenarios filled his head when Hogan fainted in the park this afternoon. He didn’t feel better until he heard his daughter’s heartbeat and saw her brain waves.

When they arrived back at the condo he made Hogan a giant salad of chicken and mixed greens. She ate every bite, told him how hungry she was. Then they played with Noah like they used to, laughing and enjoying each other. When had he forgotten to pay attention to his family?

“Did you call the President?” Hogan asked.

Josh held out his arms to her. She smiled, curling up between his legs in the bed and letting him envelope her.

“He said ‘I’ll see you Wednesday’; that gives us an extra day. Still, I’d like to be back in DC by Tuesday so I can rest up from the drive. I had to give the Secret Service the exact address so they could come here. In case of any terrorist attack, I have to be up in the air or in a bunker.”

“Are you serious?” Hogan turned her head to look at him.

“Yeah. When I was Deputy Chief of Staff, the NSC gave me a card for those purposes. I gave it back...I did not want it on my conscience. Knowing my life would be spared, but not Donna, Sam, CJ, or Toby’s. I have no choice now; I try never to think about it but you should know.”

“What about your family?”

“You would be taken to a safe location too. Somebody has this all planned out. By the way, when we get back to DC, you will have two new friends. It’s regulation.”

“OK. God Josh, I don’t know how the nightmare scenario guy sets any sleep at night.”

Josh took a deep breath saying he didn’t know either.

“Are you hungry or anything?” he asked.

“Nope. Actually though, I am craving pancakes. Will you make me some tomorrow?”

“Yeah, of course. I suck at that...they always come out shaped as anything but circles.”

“It is fun to play abstract art games with them. Last time I found Lichtenstein, remember?”

Josh laughed, kissing her temple.

“Josh?”

“Hmm?”

“I'm so glad you're here with me. I'm glad I don’t feel so out of balance anymore...I know what it was doing to you and Noah.”

“We were never apart. The two weeks you weren’t with me, all I did was think about you. You and Noah are my family. I know we’re not married yet, but I feel like you're my wife Hogan, in my heart.”

“I want to marry you, truly I do. It is important for me to say that. The years we have been together are central to my life. I just can't make a commitment of that nature until I get myself together. God Josh, do you know how scared I was when I realized I was pregnant again? Who even knows if I am doing a good job with Noah?”

“Hey.” Josh held her tighter. “You do a fantastic job with Noah. That is one thing you should never doubt.”

“I guess.” Hogan replied. “Sometimes I doubt everything.”

“No, don’t guess. He is a lucky, happy, wonderful little boy with a caring, doting mother.”

“OK, I believe you.” She smiled gingerly.

“You better believe me. Hogan, you are an amazing woman. You're intelligent, loving, funny, and great to be around. There are just some things you need to work through...we all have issues. You were brave to think of your children and how it would affect them. You were brave to say ‘help me; I cannot do it alone anymore.’ I was the one who should have paid more attention.”

“Don’t you dare Joshua Lyman.” Hogan’s sharp tone surprised him. “This is me and my issue. You’ve been there for me and with me through so much. You’ve loved me and comforted me...I could not have asked for a man more devoted to my needs. How about we both count ourselves lucky?”

“I can do that.” he replied.

Josh kissed her firmly on the mouth and tried to hold back his emotions as he held her. There had not been a lot of women in Josh’s life; he certainly was not a mack. Still, he never thought this woman, 20 years his junior and the niece of one of his best friends, would so thoroughly steal his heart. He belonged to Hogan now, and she to him. Noah and Natalie completed their family. They were going to get it right, be happy...they loved each other too much not to. This was worth fighting for; this was worth everything.

“Lyman, come to think of it, I could definitely eat. Let’s make sandwiches!”

***


End file.
